I’ve been giving a lot of thought lately about who I am, what I want to be, and who I will be. As long as I can remember, I’ve wanted the nuclear family. Good job, loving wife, 2.5 kids, cat, dog, house, car. Something that I haven’t considered, is where this total view came from.
I know that having children is critical. If only, to pass along all that I have learned. I want to be this great teacher, but am continually frustrated by those that ask to learn from me. What makes me think that my own children would be any more adaptive to learning than the average man? I want to give all that I have accumulated and all that I learned to my prodigies. Aren’t I a bit young for that? I am only 25 years on this earth, but I regularly feel that I have lived a full life already. All that lay before me is downwards, less, or tedious.
I have so much, yet why is there the absence of happiness? I think I don’t have a real goal. I am simply biding my time. There are sporadic distractions that allow me to utilize my mental faculties, but many things I find to be a great bore. Some things, I am able to latch on to. But I find, recently in particular, to be asking myself why I am doing things much more.
How queer that I spent the first 16 years of my life questioning everything and everyone. I pushed my poor mother to the verge of madness with my inquisition. Yet, for years 17 to 24, I simply moved with a sense of purpose. Assuming that every action I took was instinctive and correct. I still find that nearly all of my decisions and actions are instinctive. A post for another time is how I do not have an internal monologue.
These past few days where I have been waiting for car parts to restore my Saab to working order, have caused me to challenge what I am doing. I subsequently have been questioning who I am and what I want. No topic is off the table. Am I truly in love? What is the point of going to work today? This is far from depression. More like a quarter-life crisis. I have vitality and the abilities to go anywhere, and do anything. Why do I do what I do now?
I Just Do Things.
Yes, that makes sense. But what if I want to do things with more direction? How do I begin to do something so foreign to me as organize my thoughts, dreams and goals? Do I actually have any goals? For now, I’ll just do things, but I will attempt to spin my wheels less.